Welcoming you to the office of Cens-kaar-ship Board of India. With the recent success of the ban on a particular movie that was threatening our culture and traditions and not to mention was too “lady-oriented”, we’re presenting you the inner insights of our bureau.
Described below is the oath of allegiance to the censorship of India and must be recited and abide by all the editors in unison, without any question. cause fuck democracy
“I’m the self-proclaimed pioneer of Indian culture. India is my country and telling its people what I think is good for them, my responsibility.
I love my country and like to impose its regressive and Orthodox heritage.
I shall always strive to make every piece of art shuddh and sanskaari.
I shall respect my country’s centuries-old cultures, my self-set norms of adarshs and my perception of Indian morals with courtesy.
To my scissors and my sanskriti, I pledge my devotion.
In their excess application for purification of movies, lies my happiness.”
Here are the censoring criteria that must, MUST, be followed to continue our pure and pious sanskaars and to maintain our conservative… Oops. Sorry I mean regressive… No no, I meant, our beautiful sabhyata… Damn you, autocorrect.
Disclaimer – You cannot offend any of the following people- Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Christian, Parsi, upper caste, lower caste, OBC, shit, rich, poor, male, female, or others, any state, any country, alien, cat, dog, barber, lawyer, plumber, political person, gangster, cricketer, lauda, lassun.
-Female-centric? No. Cause Why? Why is she not in the kitchen or randomly subjected to male chauvinism, patriarchy and other bechaari’ness, along with being exploited mentally, physically and s*cough*ally?
-Other sex oriented? What other sex? First of all, it is gender okay… And no others. Only male or no male. Others are a myth. Throw a bobby darling in between if you want… Nothing mooore.
– Liberating women? Dude. What are you talking about? Women dress decently, talk decently, stand decently and cook decently. They are mythical beings who give birth. They don’t engage in sex.
– Religions under a bad light? Religions and bad? Religion= God… How dare you say anything against our god huh? BAN. insert multitudes of riots
– Political issue? Okay but positive only… One negative and CUT (basically nothing that is true)
– Kashmir issue? What is the issue in Kashmir? Kashmir is beautiful. Kashmir is perfect. Kashmir is OURS.
– Unconventional love stories? Only boy and girl acceptable. No boy-boy, girl-girl… It will ignite unnatural passion no. And don’t forget love is subjected to age, gender, religion, subject, caste, class, money, creed, race.
– Controversial issues like riots, terrorism attacks? Such pressure, much dark. We are sensitive people. Spare us.
– Different sexualities and their bold representation? Hahahchutiyahaikyaaha. No. BAN.
– Drug abuse? India is a cultural and heritage rich country, not drug rich country. Check your facts.
– Erotica? Filled with obsession, lust and Hawww chii. Nooo. Too western, unethical and immoral for the audience of the nation that came up with the concept of kama-sutra. coughs, no we don’t endorse double standards
– Any art feature film? Yaaaawn. Sorry, you were saying something?
– Violence? YAAS!! Blow a truck or two for all we care. But no beheading, Okay? That is against Indian culture. Homicide is okay but not too much.
– Nudity? WHAT???? NO. Unapproved. No nude. Nudity is western. Nudity is a myth. People are born in lehenga and dhoti. BAN!
– Sex? Cough What is sex huh? Sex doesn’t exist… We don’t have sex. It is against our culture. We’re amoeba. Show veil removal and a kid in the next shot. Or a moving car. Or just let two flowers kiss! That’s good too.
– Handicap? Okay, make it hilariously entertaining, though.
– Seduction? Indian men seduce women by introducing them to their family and lighting agarbattis together. Nothing else.
– Homosexuality? What is that? What… gay? Bobby darling na? Ya ya give him 5 minutes.
– Swears? You son of a #$# What will be left of our sabhyata huh? S#la #[email protected]$&#*
– Octane violence, crass language and drug abuse? It defies our Indian sensibilities. Cut kar re.
– Smoking? It is western. Watermark it and blur it, even if the hero passes through a shop, selling smoking.
– Alcohol? But… sabhyata?
-Kiss? Only for 12 seconds. Actually, cancel that 10. No no. 10 is too much. 8? Haa. Our culture won’t be destroyed in 8 seconds. Chalo fix it on 4. Otherwise two bugs (bhawre, you see) meeting. Your pick.
-Exposing? Are we talking about item song? It is okay but otherwise blur it, cut it, ban it. Too much skin = too much freedom= free spirited woman= against Indian culture hence, BAN.
That’s all, follow all this, hang a photo of our most reputed and respected Mr Pahlaj Nihalani in your house and worship him every day with agarbattis. ‘Bhartiya sabhyata’ shall remain protected eternally then.
By Vasundhra Aggarwal